I Went Back

Sometimes, we go back.

Sometimes, we are a sucker for the fantasies we want so badly to be true. For the love bombing. For the promise of change.

For a long time, I was embarrassed. I couldn’t believe I was one of the women who went back. Despite so much information and the statistics out there, I STILL fell for the belief I could be the exception.

When I look back on my decision to go back, I can see how I was still such a victim of my own need to be chosen by someone else. I NEEDED to be the exception to the rule because that would PROVE I was really lovable. It would prove I was SO VALUABLE that he CHOSE ME over the drugs, the alcohol, the anger, the fear, and his own sickness.

You see, it was never him that I needed. I wasn’t addicted to HIM. I was addicted to BEING THE EXCEPTION. I desperately needed to PROVE MY WORTH.

I needed my suffering TO MEAN SOMETHING.

I needed my sacrifice TO MEAN SOMETHING.

I needed my patience TO MEAN SOMETHING.

I needed my love TO MEAN SOMETHING.

I NEEDED IT TO MEAN I HAD DONE ENOUGH TO BE LOVABLE.

IF I HAD DONE ENOUGH, that would mean I was AN EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.

It would mean he would finally treat me with respect. He would finally see all the suffering I had done and love me for it. He would see how horrible he had been and work to make amends.

I WOULD HAVE FINALLY EARNED IT.

I couldn’t break my pattern of being BLIND to the cycle of abuse I was playing in until I could see how I was HUSTLING FOR LOVE. I was trying to EARN my worth and his love. I was attached to the belief that when I FINALLY DID ENOUGH, he would love me enough to stop mistreating me and himself, so every time he gave the promise of change I was so desperately waiting for, I fell for the hook.

Love, your worth is not a bargaining chip. You cannot earn your right to be lovable because you already ARE lovable. It’s only YOU who needs to see it.

If you are stuck in a cycle of going back - you’ve already left one or multiple times - and you feel embarrassed, stop. I went back because I still had some learning to do. My soul LONGED to break my own belief I had to EARN my worth. My soul longed to break my cycle of self betrayal. I could not have seen these patterns so clearly if I had not gone back.

You are going to go back as many times as it takes to learn the lesson. You won’t escape the pain of the consequences that will follow, but with each lesson there will be a louder and louder message to love yourself. To honor yourself. To stop trying to earn something you are already entitled to.

If you are in this cycle, please don’t judge yourself. You have chosen an already very difficult path. It is shaping you and growing a fire within you, you probably can’t even imagine. You have chosen this path for a reason. You can rise to a new level and a new experience at any point you choose.