How am I TEACHING others how I am to be treated?
I recently got a nostalgic trip down memory lane with my old victimy wound of abandonment.
In the past, I chose into relationships where I felt unsupported. I felt alone in shouldering many heavy responsibilities. I felt like everyone else got to go play and enjoy life, while I took care of a very lopsided list of tasks. I felt abandoned because many of the people on my “team” - partners, co-workers, bosses, roommates, etc - would leave me to pick up after them, edit their mistakes, finish incomplete tasks, repair damaged relationships with clients, and leave me with the burden of the bulk of the work.
It felt like they didn’t care. It felt like my “teammates” saw me suffering under the burden of so many responsibilities and yet continued to go play at my expense. It felt like my natural propensity for efficiency, thoroughness, and resourcefulness were constantly being taken advantage of. Not only did it just happen, everyone seemed OBLIVIOUS. Like I was just the default. I was just the assumed responsible party.
If there is ONE thing I know about anything, it is that I ALWAYS have a part.
My pain is not an accident. It is always teaching me something.
So this week, I got to look that wound square in the face, AGAIN, because obviously, it isn’t healed.
Instead of getting defensive and feeling like a victim, I get to get curious.
My pain got to show me my part in seeming to always end up with a very lopsided load of the work, in many of my relationships.
I got to look at how I was TEACHING others from the very start how I was to be treated.
As fast as I would set boundaries, I would often break them… With a good enough EXCEPTION, people were off the hook. So, people learned to always have a good excuse.
I taught people I was ACCOMMODATING. I have had a lifetime of experience bending myself around others’ needs and it was second nature to embody the attitude “Don’t worry! I’ll be happy to take care of it!” Eventually, people don’t even bother to ask. They just know you will take care of it, even if it’s on THEIR task list.
I taught people accessing my resourcefulness, efficiency, and strategic skills came at no cost. No one had to ask permission to have them. Not only did I give them away, I often forced them down people’s throats.
I taught people I was SELF RELIANT. If a task looked like it wasn’t going to be completed, I’d step in to save the day. People learned I didn’t really need them anyway.
Lastly, I taught MYSELF people weren’t to be trusted, that they were flaky, unreliable, and looking to take advantage of me. I learned to believe I really WASN’T supported by others and the universe.
These beliefs were TOXIC for myself and others and have NEVER served me.
I get to heal my wound of abandonment, when I address and heal my own behaviors that keep perpetuating the cycle. ;-)
The Divine Goddess within you and within me will not settle for old, worn out, toxic programming. We will continue peeling away layer by layer, as we heal every single generational wound we have developed and lived out.