Grieving the LIVING

“He was such a jerk! Just leave him in dust and don’t look back!”

“Have you seen what he did to you? WHY do you keep going back?”

“You are so BROKEN for loving someone like HIM!”

“Treat him like the SCUM he is!”

“He isn’t worth crying any tears over.”

“I can’t understand why women keep going back for more.”

“WHY are you wasting time on HIM?”

Unacceptable grief.

It’s a real thing.

Our collective has a hard time understanding how anyone could love an abusive person and how it could possibly be complicated to leave. The only acceptable thing, we’re told, is abusive people must be HATED and treated like the SCUM OF THE EARTH they are.

Rarely are abuse survivors told to GRIEVE the loss of their abuser.

But, without the grief, we are more likely to repeat the cycle.

There is a special kind of sorrow reserved for those who grieve the living.

The GREAT times.

The times he was THERE FOR YOU when no one else was.

The times he was KIND.

The DREAMS you shared together.

The GIFTS he gave you.

The times he PROTECTED you.

The LAUGHTER and PLAYFULNESS you shared.

The moments of VULNERABILITY when he shared his insecurities.

The times you saw him TRYING - FIGHTING to change for the better.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO GRIEVE.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO CELEBRATE.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE.

Your soul knows you aren’t walking away from a monster.

You're walking away from someone you love, who has become destructive to you.

Too many times, we walk away with a heart full of hate and pain. We demonize and choose to only see the terrible times. We claim they were nothing but monsters. Then, we get confused when their kindness shows again. It’s hard to keep believing they are monsters - because they’re not.

If we continue to look for MONSTERS, instead of GOOD PEOPLE with destructive patterns, we will continue to be surprised and blindsided when the person we love becomes demeaning, controlling, and abusive.

It’s ok to acknowledge the GOOD PERSON you LOVE, has ALSO become DESTRUCTIVE and HURTFUL. BOTH can be true. You can still believe someone is doing THE BEST THEY CAN and know the best they can IS STILL DANGEROUS.

Your LOVE is unconditional but your PRESENCE is not. You can choose love, celebration, grief, AND WALKING AWAY. All at the same time. It’s how true freedom happens. <3